June 17: Justin Rose wins his first major at the U.S. Open after Phil Mickelson double-bogeys twice in the final round to avoid paying taxes on the winner's check of $1.44 million.
June 20: Edward Snowden reveals that the National Security Agency repeatedly abused privacy rights by cat-fishing Manti Te'o, recording Richie Incognito's phone calls to Jonathan Martin, storing A-Rod's Biogenesis purchase records and secretly videotaping the New York Jets' sideline signals in 2007.
June 23:Sewage spills into the Athletics clubhouse after the aging Oakland Coliseum plumbing system is unable to handle all the profanity spewing from closer Grant Balfour's filthy mouth.
July 7: Andy Murray defeats Novak Djokovic to become the first British male to win Wimbledon since strawberries and cream were both fresh and reasonably priced at the concession stands.
July 20: Lance Armstrong calls up Oprah to tell her he hasn't tested positive once for PEDs during the entire 2013 Tour de France.
July 21: Phil Mickelson celebrates winning the British Open at age 43 by shipping the Claret Jug to a secret off-shore bank account in the Bahamas.
July 26: Despite losing head coach Chip Kelly to the NFL, the Oregon Ducks up their commitment to winning by opening their new football training facility, complete with Brazilian ipe wood flooring, Italian Carrara marble and Nepalese wool carpeting, directly inside Phil Knight's mansion.
August 6: Baseball suspends A-Rod 50 games for his role in the Biogenesis scandal and another 161 games for being such an ass.
August 11: In yet another amazing game, Los Angeles rookie Yasiel Puig hits a dramatic walk-off homer to continue the Dodgers' remarkable winning stretch, but misses first, second and third on his way around the bases.
August 27: Shocked and offended that an amateur player would dirty the name of college athletics by daring to profit off his own signature, the NCAA orders EA Sports programmers to keep Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel on the bench for the first half of the first game of the wildly profitable "NCAA Football 14" video game (list price: $59.99).
August 29: The NFL gets a sweetheart out-of-court settlement in its concussion suit with former players. The league must pay out $750 million in compensation but only if the brain-damaged players are able to figure out how to apply for benefits on the Obamacare website.
Sept. 2: Diana Nyad swims from Cuba to Florida and promptly receives a $43 million contract offer from the Dodgers.
Sept. 8: After winning the US Open, Serena Williams becomes the first woman in sports to top $50 million in career winnings, not including the divorce settlement for A-Rod's ex-wife.
Sept. 21: With the Hurricanes already leading 77-7, Miami and Savannah State agree to shorten the fourth quarter of their game to 12 minutes. In related news, Cal and Purdue fans request their seasons be cut short as well.
Sept. 25: Despite trailing by eight races, Oracle wins the America's Cup after CEO Larry Ellison purchases San Francisco Bay and bans the New Zealand yacht from sailing anywhere in it.
Sept. 28: A trip to Arizona State ends very poorly for USC coach Lane Kiffin when he loses both his luggage and his job at LAX airport.
Sept. 29: As the Yankees' season ends and Mariano Rivera walks off the field for the final time, millions of fans across the nation weep over the fact they didn't draft Peyton Manning for their fantasy league teams.